


Blue notebook // Niall Horan and Harry Styles fanfiction

by NarrysRendezvous



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, BoyxBoy, Depression, Gay, LGBTQ, M/M, Major Depressive Disorder, Mental Illness, Mental Institution, Narry - Freeform, Narry Stylan, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sad Harry, Sad Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, mental health, narry storan - Freeform, one direction - Freeform, self help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-11-18 14:37:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11292705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarrysRendezvous/pseuds/NarrysRendezvous
Summary: The story about a damaged blue-eyed boy, who writes about his experience in a mental asylum in his blue notebook, and a damaged green-eyed boy who finds the blue notebook.***trigger warning******graphic content; mental illness mentioned throughout the story***





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys :) This is my new story. The first part is really short, but its just kind of the intro to the story. In later parts, it will get graphic so if you're not comfortable with the mention of suicide or mental illness, please don't read this book. I'm going to try to present the conditions of the characters as realistic as I can for the sake of showing what mental illness really is, not the romanticized internet version. If you or someone you know is considering suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Stay safe darlings.

"Dear diary,

Today my doctor told me she thinks I'm getting better. I don't know if this is just in my head, but I feel like I'm not better. I haven't eaten anything in four days and I'm scared someone will find out about that because they'll tell my doctor and she will be angry at me. But not eating just makes me feel better. I hope I will one day be pretty so someone can love me. Anyways I have to go to sleep now, tomorrow we are greeting a new patient and I'm kind of excited to meet him. Bobby told me he's my age and therefore we might be friends.

Goodnight, Love Niall xx" Niall wrote the last sentence and closed his diary. He put it under his pillow and laid down on his bed. He hoped that the new patient will like him. He just wanted a friend.

 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 

In the morning when Niall woke up the sun was barely shining through the window. That meant that it was time for breakfast. He got out of his bed and walked to his closet. He put on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater that was now oversized even though when his doctor bought him it last month for his birthday it was small. He looked at the mirror and stared at the image of himself. He looked away and turned his back to the mirror. His eyes landed on the empty bed across the room. His best friend used to sleep in that bed. Last week he committed suicide and Niall found him in his closet. He hung himself with a belt.

Niall walked out of his room and walked slowly to the room where they had breakfast. He walked to the nurse that was serving lunch and took his breakfast. He sat at one of the tables and just stared at the breakfast. Even though he didn't eat in a while he wasn't really hungry. He took a sip of his tea and looked around. He saw a middle-aged man slowly walking to his table and he sat across of him. It was Bobby.

"Morning Niall." He said and smiled.

Niall smiled right back and he didn't say anything. He wasn't really communicative. He pushed his plate slightly to Bobby as a sign that he doesn't want to eat it and he's giving it to him.

"Niall you have to eat," Bobby said in a serious tone.

Niall simply shook his head and looked away. Bobby just sighed because he knew he can't force Niall to eat.

"You won't believe what I heard the nurses say earlier!" Bobby said as he started to eat.

"What?" Niall said quietly while looking at him and sipping his tea.

"They said that the new patient is going to stay at room 93 because it's the only room with a free bed and that is your room!!" He responded exited.

Niall sighed sadly, "That was Josh's bed..."

Bobby looked at Niall sadly, "Niall Josh's gone. You need to try to move on. The new patient needs help too. He can't sleep on the floor."

Niall gulped at the simple thought of sharing a room with a stranger. He knew Josh for four years. They met when Niall first came to the institution and he was the only person Niall felt comfortable around. When he came here Josh was 21 and even though Niall was 16 they were best friends. Niall loved listening to Josh's stories about his adventures when he managed to sneak out of the asylum.

Niall got up from the table without saying anything and just went back to his room. He sat on the table and looked at the floor. He started fiddling with his thumbs and then he heard some commotion. Suddenly the door of his room opened and a tall boy with curly brown hair walked in. He didn't say anything and he just simply put his suitcase next to the empty bed. A few seconds late Niall's doctor walked in.

"Niall this is your new roommate, Harry." She said with a smile.

Harry lifted his head and looked at Niall and smiled slightly.

"Harry, if you need anything just search for me, okay?" She told Harry.

He just simply nodded and then she left.

Niall stared at Harry. He was wearing ripped jeans and a gray shirt with the Rolling Stones logo. He knew that because Josh's favorite band were the Rolling Stones. There were bandages on both of his arms and Niall noticed he had some tattoos on his arms too. Niall looked at Harry's face and Harry was looking back at him. Niall blushed and smiled slightly while looking away.

"How old are you?" Harry spoke with a deep slow voice.

Niall turned his head, "I'm 20." He said quietly and looked at Harry,"You?"

Harry smiled slightly,"Really? Me too."

Niall smiled back and looked away again.

"So for how long have you been here?" Harry asked.

"For about four and a half years," Niall said while still looking away.

Harry nodded,"Oh, so you'll probably be leaving soon?"

Niall shrugged,"I don't think so, I don't have anywhere to go really. Both of my parents died seven years ago so I'll probably stay here until I die or something."

Harry looked at Niall sadly,"Oh, I'm sorry."

Niall sighed and then smiled at Harry slightly,"It's okay, you didn't know."

After a few minutes of silence, Niall spoke again,"So why are you here?"

"Suicide attempt I guess." Harry looked at Niall and Niall noticed a red scar around his neck.

"My best friend killed himself last week. In this room actually." Niall said calmly even though it hurt him deep inside.

"That's kind of strange...I'm going to sleep in a bed where a dead guy slept..." Harry said lowly to himself and Niall just looked down sadly.

Harry looked at Niall, "What about you? Why are you here?"

Niall sighed,"I've been depressed for a while and when I was 15 I became anorexic so I got sent here by my mentors from the orphanage I was in."

"Oh." Harry said and then again there was silence for a while, "So what do people do here for like fun?"

Niall shrugged,"Nothing really, we have like a library type of thing where you can listen to records, play like a shitty table tennis or read some shitty self-help books."

Harry laughed slightly,"My grandma used to always buy me those books, they make zero sense. Honestly, if anything they made me even more depressed." He said while laughing again and this time Niall laughed too.

"C'mon, get up I'll show you around.", Niall said while getting up.

Harry got up too and walked right next to Niall. They walked out of the room and they were in the hallway.

"This is the hallway, it's always dark and creepy. Make sure you walk into your room because you don't want to walk into someone else's room because they're going to most likely call the evil nurse Jillian who will electrocute you." Niall said and laughed.

Harry opened his eyes in shock and laughed too,"Okay..."

They walked to the cafeteria next.

"This is the cafeteria where they give you semi-shitty food, but surprisingly good tea," Niall said while he kept walking.

He walked through another long hallway where there were rooms and some doctor's offices. They got into the library and it was empty.

"This is the sad sad boring library, usually old people come here, but I think they're playing mini golf now so there is no one here.", Niall sat on one of the chairs and smiled.

Harry rolled his eyes,"Fuck, this place is boring as shit!"

"SHHH!!" Niall shushed Harry,"Don't swear! We are not allowed to swear!" Niall whispered.

"FUCK! SHIT! CUN-..." Niall stopped Harry's yelling by putting his hand on his mouth.

"SHUT UP!" He said, but he couldn't help but laugh when Harry started laughing.

"Jesus Christ is there anything fun we can do here?!" Harry laughed, "Like is there a place where we can go get drinks or...."

"No. We are pretty much trapped here."Niall sighed.

"What?! That's bullshit! What do they expect from twenty-year-olds like me and you to do? Play fucking shitty table tennis or sad fucking minigolf ?!" Harry laughed.

Niall burst out laughing," Josh, my best friend, used to sneak out all the time. They would sometimes catch him but he would always get away with it."

Harry smiled,"That's what we'll do! We'll sneak out one night!"

Niall shook his head no,"What?! No! No way! They'll catch us!"

Harry smirked,"Oh cmon what are they gonna do to us?! Kill us? I don't fucking think so!"

Niall sighed,"Well I do kind of miss the outside world...The way Josh told me his stories about it..... I always imagined myself in them..."

"Hey, you don't live forever! We can be like a fantastic duo! The anorexic and the suicidal!" Harry laughed.

"Stop!" Niall laughed,"Stop making fun of that!"

"I'm making fun of myself mate!" Harry laughed and went back to his room.

"HEY! Where are you going?!" Niall laughed and ran after Harry.

Harry walked into their room and Niall tripped while walking into it and fell right on top of Harry. His face right on Harry's.

Harry laughed,"Whoa Niall! We didn't even go on the first date and you are all over me!" He said jokingly.

Niall blushed so hard his whole body turned red and he got up fastly while looking away.

"Sorry." He mouthed sadly.

Harry laughed,"Relax Niall, I'm joking." He responded smiling.

Niall sighed in relief and smiled slightly.

Suddenly a beeping sound was heard and a voice from the speaker in the hallway was heard.

"Calling all patients into the cafeteria, It's time for dinner! Don't forget to take your medication before eating!" The voice said and stopped.

"It's dinner, c'mon Niall! Let's go eat." Harry smiled.

Niall sighed,"I'm not really hungry."

Harry looked at Niall sadly,"Please Niall, do it so we can," Harry thought for a second,"sneak out tonight." He then said.

Niall looked at Harry and smiled slightly,"Okay fine, I will."

They both walked into the cafeteria and got their dinner. They sat at a table in the corner and talked. This time Niall actually ate his dinner.

Niall ate while looking at Harry's neck looking at the scar.

"What's that thing on your neck?" He asked while still looking at the scar.

"It's a rope burn," Harry said while continuing to eat.

"How did you get a rope burn on your ne-Oh, nevermind."Niall lowered his voice as he started to realize where it was from,"Sorry I asked."

Harry just smiled slightly and he didn't say anything. The rest of the dinner they spent talking about their plan to sneak out and at this moment they actually felt happy. And Niall actually felt comfortable with Harry.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Dear diary,

Today I met Harry. He is one of the sweetest people ever. He is so pretty and charming. I haven't asked him, but I hope he is gay too. I feel like maybe he could be my first boyfriend. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself like Josh did, I don't want him to die. I feel really happy around him. Tonight we will sneak out. I'm so excited! I will definitely write about how it went. I hope I get to find out something more about Harry. Maybe even go on a date while we're out there. Oooo what if we kiss!! I bet he is a great kisser! He seems experienced. I just hope he likes me too. He is such a nice person.

Goodnight, love Niall xx" Niall closed his diary and hid it under his pillow just as Harry walked in their room.

"Okay, I found a way to sneak out, you ready to go?" Harry asked while smiling.

"Totally!" Niall laughed and got up from his bed.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part two guys. It's still nothing too graphic and it might seem a bit confusing, but it will all clear up in the later parts :) give it a vote and comment please.  
> -As always all the love L.xx

The hallway was dark and the only sound was loud snores coming from the room next door.

"Okay," Harry whispered, "We have to be really quiet, understand?"

Niall just nodded and got closer to Harry. They started walking throught the dark halls until they reached the back door. They got out and the warm summer air hit them. Niall breathed in and out trying to make this moment last forever. Harry snapped Niall out of his thoughts by dragging him to the fence. 

"Cmon we gotta climb over it." Harry said.

"I can't do that what the fuck." Niall pouted.

"Yeah you can, watch." Harry exclaimed and climbed over the fence easily in a few swift moves. 

It was Niall's turn. He got on top of the fence, his legs shaking. He jumped slightly but instead of kicking his legs on the other side he missed and fell right on top of Harry.

"Ow!" Niall whined. 

Harry groaned as he was knocked down on the ground too, but then he laughed.

"See I told you you can do it." Harry said as he sat next to Niall on the grass.

Niall had a pout and showed Harry his palm that was now covered in blood.

"The fence cut my hand." Niall's eyes filled with tears since he was oversensitive.

Harry took off the bandage from his wrist and wrapped it around Niall's palm tightly to stop the blood. As Harry was doing this Niall noticed Harry's arm, it was covered with stitched up cuts and purple burns that were leaving dents in the skin. Harry must've noticed Niall looking so he pulled away his arm.

"There." He smiled, "better?" 

Niall nodded and got up. He looked around and noticed he was free. He was no longer in there. He was capable of doing whatever he wanted. 

"What do you wanna do now Harry?" Niall said while smiling.

Harry bit his lip as he was thinking, "Maybe we can go to a club?" 

Niall smiled and nodded,"But I don't know any clubs..." 

Harry smirked, "Yeah, you don't...but I do." 

He took Niall's hand and they started walking towards the city. The hospital was in the suburbs so it wasn't far away from the center of the city. After about ten minutes of walking they were in front of a night club. 

"I've never been to a club before..." Niall said shyly as he pulled on Harry's arm before Harry walked inside.

"Well then, welcome to your first gay club Niall.." Harry laughed.

"Gay club?" Niall said slightly confused but also with a smirk.

Harry ignored Niall's last sentence and just dragged him inside. The music was loud but Niall liked it. He followed Harry to the bar and Harry ordered them a drink. 

"We don't have money to pay for this Harry!" Niall said while looking at Harry.

Harry laughed, "Don't worry, I know the waiter. That's Louis, my best friend." 

Louis came to them and handed them their drinks,"Here you go mate. Is that your new roommate?" He asked

Harry nodded as he sipped his drink,"Louis meet Niall. He's never been to a gay club before?!" 

Louis smiled widely,"Nice to meet you Niall and Harry maybe he's not gay." Louis added and laughed.

"No, I am gay," Niall said,"I'm just not really a social person." 

Louis poured Niall a shot and gave it to him,"Here drink this. It will make you real social, real fast." He laughed.

So half an hour later and a few drinks later Niall was barely standing and he started to feel a bit dizzy. He tapped Harry's shoulder and as he tried to say something his body decided to make him throw up. And after that Niall lost control of his body, his vision went black and he passed out. 

He woke up a few minutes later to the sight of Harry looking at him. They were behind the club in an alley.

"Hey you alright? Maybe Lou and I shouldn't have given you so much to drink ha?" Harry said as he laughed slightly.

Niall pouted, "Harry I wanna go back, I don't feel so well." 

Harry nodded and helped Niall up. In about twenty minutes or so Niall and Harry were back in their room. Harry closed the door and Niall threw himself on the bed. Harry took off his shirt and set it on the bed. His chest was covered in tattoos and scars. Niall turned his head and kept staring at Harry. He turned around and saw Niall looking at him. He smiled slightly and sat on the bed.

"Harry...are you gay?" Niall asked drunkenly.

Harry laughed, "I mean if I took you to a gay club, where my clearly gay best friend works, it's pretty obvious I'm gay." 

Niall smiled slightly,"Good." He said and yawned, "and do you think I'm pretty?" 

Harry furrowed his eyebrows at the question, but took it as Nialls drunken state, "Yeah, I think you're very pretty.." he said and smiled at Niall.

Niall smirked suddenly feeling confident and he got up from his bed and walked to Harry while tripping slightly since he was drunk.

"You know..." Niall said slowly while suddenly sitting on Harry's lap, "since we're both gay and we both find each other attractive we might as well fuck." 

Harry froze and widened his eyes,"What?" 

Niall leaned down and kissed Harry's neck, but Harry pushed Niall away. 

Niall whined, "Noooo Harry, I want youu!!" 

"Niall you're drunk, you need to sleep." Harry said.

Niall hugged Harry and pushed him down on the bed, cuddling himself into Harry's chest.

"Mm then I'll sleep with you like this..." Niall yawned and immediately passed out. 

Harry stayed there shocked for a moment. He then looked down at Niall and smiled slightly. He took the blanket on the bed and covered himself and Niall with it.

In the morning when Niall opened his eyes he was still in Harry's bed covered with a blanket. He yawned and looked around noticing Harry is not there. The morning sun hit his face which made Niall's eyes squint in pain. His head was pulsing and that's when he remembered last night. He got up from Harry's bed and went to his own. He pulled out his little blue notebook that he used as a food log and a diary. He grabbed a pencil and started writing:

"Dear diary,  
Last Night I went out with Harry and I don't remember everything clearly. I think I got very drunk. I've never been drunk before. Last thing before waking up in an alley is throwing up on a cute guy at the bar and then passing out. When me and Harry came back I remember trying to get him to fuck with me and then him declining me. Maybe he doesn't like me that way.. but at the same time he did let me sleep in his bed. 

                  Love Niall xx" 

His thoughts were snapped when Harry walked in holding a plate and a cup of tea.

"I got you breakfast." He said with a smile. 

Niall looked at Harry, suddenly his cheeks went red and he looked down. 

"N-no thanks I'm not really hungry. I'll just have some tea." Niall lied and took the cup of tea.

"Niall you okay?" Harry asked.

Niall nodded his head and sipped his tea. He heard Harry sigh. "Niall you need to eat..." 

Niall lifted his head up and looked at Harry sadly. "Fine, give me it..."

Harry smiled and gave Niall the plate. He sat next to him and placed his big hand on Niall's small thigh. "So about last night..." Harry said and Niall froze and felt not only his cheeks get red but his whole body. 

"Do you remember what happened?" Harry asked.

Niall shook his head even though he knew very well what happened. 

"Oh...I was thinking if you maybe knew because I've forgotten everything.." Harry laughed. 

Niall sighed in relief and laughed nervously,"Yeah! I think we got too drunk.." 

Harry got up from the bed and went to his suitcase. He took a cigarette and a lighter and put it in his mouth. 

"No!" Niall yelled at him and Harry froze and looked at him confused.

"What?" He asked raising his eyebrow.

"You can't smoke! It's not healthy!" Niall said and pouted slightly.

Harry laughed, "Oh please...like I care about my health." He said as he lit the cigarette.

"Well I care about your health..." Niall said as he ate some toast,"Just like you care about mine"

Harry looked at Niall for a moment then sighed,"But I need it-" 

Niall then put his plate down and crossed his arms,"If you do it I won't eat!" He said and looked at Harry serious.

"Are you blackmailing me?" Harry laughed.

Niall just nodded and kept looking at Harry intensely. Harry sighed,  turned off the cigarette and threw it in the trash.

Niall smiled satisfied and mouthed a small thank you to Harry....

Later that day they were sitting in the garden and just enjoying the summer sun. Harry looked at Niall's bandaged hand.

"How's your hand?" He asked.

Niall smiled and nodded,"It's fine, thanks for wrapping it up for me."

"No problem" Harry smiled and looked at Niall.

They stayed quiet for a bit and then Niall broke the silence.

"Did you do that to yourself?" He said and pointed to Harry's arm. 

Harry looked down at his arm and nodded slightly,"Yeah." He said. 

"It's not good, Josh would do it to himself all the time too." Niall replied quietly.

Harry looked at Niall,"Was Josh your boyfriend?" 

Niall shook his head,"I told you, he was my best friend... You two would get along really well. You have so much in common, also you both like that band." Niall laughed and pointed to Harry's shirt. 

Harry smiled and looked away. Niall kept looking at Harry's arms, mainly his tattoos. 

"That's a shitty tattoo," he laughed again and pointed to a tattoo on Harry's finger,"I'm sorry, but it's very uneven and wiggly" 

Harry laughed,"Yeah, it is actually. I gave it to myself with a sewing needle. It's the first one I've ever done, I'm better at tattoos now I swear."

"You should give me one!" Niall said.

"I don't think so, you probably won't handle the pain." Harry replied with a smirk.

"It hurts!?!" Niall gasped,"I won't do it!!! NO!!"

Harry laughed at his reaction,"I enjoy pain." 

"Wow that's very masochistic to say you know? " Niall exclaimed and laughed.

Harry laughed too,"What can I say...I'm strange!" 

They stood there in silence for a bit after that. Harry was gazing off into the distance and Niall was looking at Harry. 

"The doctor said my parents are gonna come visit me tomorrow." Harry said. 

"That's a good thing right?" Niall asked.

Harry sighed,"Not really, I'm not necessarily on good terms with them." 

"Oh.." Niall replied,"You're lucky you at least have parents."

"Not really, my mum kicked me out when I was 17 and while I lived with my dad, he would abuse me. They always blamed me for their divorce and when I moved in with my grandma at 18, they got back together and never made any contact with me." Harry said coldly,"So it's practically like I never had parents." 

Niall made a sad face and nodded. He placed his hand on Harry thigh. 

"I'm here for you, I can be like your family now. Roommate!" Niall giggled.

"Thank you." Harry said and smiled at Niall...

At Night, after Harry fell asleep, Niall pulled out his blue notebook and decided to write something in it.

"Dear diary,  
Today I spent the whole day with Harry. We hung out in the garden and later in our room. He is very sweet to me, but he doesn't seem like he's into me. He also always begs me to eat, and even though I do eat it, I usually always go to the bathroom to throw up. I feel really bad because he's just trying to make me feel better, but it's not that easy for me. Tomorrow his parents will come visit him, maybe I can meet them too.  
Goodnight, Niall. Xx"...


	3. 3

The next morning Niall woke up and the first thing he noticed was that Harry was not in the room. He assumed his parents came early and he was with them. Niall got dressed and then laid back on his bed. He looked at Harry's bed and smiled when he realized that even though Harry might never be in love with him, their friendship was just enough. Just having an actual friend meant that he had something to hold onto, something keeping him alive. His thoughts were snapped by Harry walking inside followed by two obnoxiously loud parents who were complaining about something. Harry gave Niall a bored look and then rolled his eyes. 

"Jesus Christ, can you shut up and meet my roommate?!" Harry exclaimed as he groaned out in frustration.

Niall looked at them and smiled,"Hi, I'm Niall."

They just looked at Niall for a second and then simply continued yelling at Harry.

"HARRY WE DON'T SEE YOU GETTING BETTER!! WE WON'T PAY FOR THIS IF YOU DON'T GET BETTER!", they yelled and yelled while Harry tried to keep a straight face.

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!! YOU'RE NOT EVEN PAYING FOR THIS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR ME TO STAY HERE!! WHY DID YOU COME ANYWAYS? DO YOU SUDDENLY CARE ABOUT ME? I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! IF YOU CARED ABOUT ME YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LET ME GET IN THIS SITUATION!", Harry proclaimed loudly, loud enough for everyone to hear. His breathing heavy and heart beat so fast if you listened closely you could hear it, his face was red from anger and he kept clenching his fists.

Niall stood shocked and looked at Harry like he was scared of his sudden change in personality.

Harry's dad looked at Niall and said,"Be careful, he is dangerous. You should get away while you still can."

Harry remained silent for a second when all of a sudden his clenched fist collided with the face of his father and that's when Harry lost control. The moments after that felt like a blur, punches came from both sides and soon it had to be broken up by nurses working at the clinic. Harry's parents left while giving Harry death glares as Harry's dad limped away. Harry stood at the center of the room with blood coming out of his nose and lower lip. Niall kept looking at him with the same shocked face, but soon his face turned softer and he got up and walked to Harry. He didn't say anything, he just hugged him. Harry didn't even move, he just breathed heavily. 

"It's okay Harry, calm down."

"It's not okay," Harry said quietly.

Niall sighed,"Just calm down, please."

"I am calm," Harry added and broke the hug.

He sat on his bed and took a tissue. He wiped the blood from his face.

"I don't believe him. You're not dangerous." Niall added as Harry was looking at his now purple knuckles.

He lifted his head up and looked at Niall,"He's right Niall. If I'm capable of doing that to my own father just imagine what I might do to you if I snap."

Niall looked at Harry sadly and just nodded, realizing Harry was fully capable of killing him if he wanted to. His weak and fragile body could easily be destroyed by a seven year old kid, let alone a fit twenty year old. He sat back on his bed and looked up at Harry again. Harry looked back at him. Then he looked away. 

"I'm going to go for a walk around the building." Harry said suddenly, got up from his bed and left the room before Niall could say anything.

Niall sighed sadly and pulled out his diary.

"Dear diary,  
Harry's parents came to visit today and they seem very rude. They kept yelling at Harry and Harry ended up punching his dad. I don't like anger and agression, but he deserved it. If I were Harry I probably would have done it too. Harry now went out for a walk, I want to go after him and walk around with him because he makes me feel really safe and happy, but it's not really about me right now. It's better for him to clear his head and to calm down a bit or else he might hurt more people. I hope he won't get in any trouble because of this, if he ends up getting in trouble I'll say that he didn't start the argument...because he didn't. His dad was an asshole. I feel bad for him, no wonder he's so sad all the time. He probably thinks no one loves him, but I love him....and of course I'm not gonna say it because I know very well he will decline it. Anyways, I'm not going to go to lunch today since Harry probably won't come to lunch either so this means I don't have to eat because he won't see me and therefore won't get angry at me. I know what I'm doing is bad, but I can't stop it.  
Goodbye for now, love Niall xx" 

Meanwhile

Harry walked through the hallways quietly, trying not to get noticed. He went to the back door of the building and when he walked outside he got to the fence. He climbed up and over it in less than thirty seconds. When he heard some footsteps he started running and ran down the road as fast as he could. As soon as he was a decent distance from the facility he started walking normally. Harry had nowhere to go so he went to the only person he knew could help him. He walked into a tall apartment building in the suburbs and took the elevator to the sixth floor. He got out and knocked on the door that was right across from the elevator. The door opened and a short brown haired boy with blue eyes was standing there; Louis. 

"Harry? The fuck are you doing here?!" Louis asked shocked to see his best friend at his front door. 

"I need money Lou. Please I'm broke. I also need a place to stay just for a bit until I get some money." Harry said. 

Louis looked at him for a second and sighed,"You ran away from rehab didn't you?" 

"It's not rehab, it's a mental asylum." Harry replied and walked inside.

"Even worse Harry. And I'm not giving you any money, why the fuck do you even need it?!" He asked, now looking at Harry with a serious face.

"I need it Lou. I'm gonna buy some.... and sell it.",Harry said with the same serious face Louis had.

Louis laughed ironically,"Are you fucking kidding me?! You're not gonna get back into that shit Harry, tell me you're not gonna. No! I'm not giving you any money. I'm gonna take you back there because you clearly need help!"

"Mate please, you are the only person I can count on! Why don't you want to help me!? You're my best friend!" Harry said as he whined.

"I AM your best friend that's why I'm not going to do that. If someone finds out you're hiding in my apartment, you'll get us both in trouble!", Louis yelled out,"ESPECIALLY IF YOU START SELLING DRUGS! I don't want a fucking drugs bust in my apartment Harry! I already have a criminal record because of you!" 

Harry sighed and looked at Louis sadly,"Fine I won't sell anything, just please let me stay here for a bit. Just a few days. I don't want to go back."

"What about that boy, Niall? Or whatever his name is." Louis asked with his arms crossed. 

"I'll call him from your telephone, we have a telephone in our rooms.", Harry said calmly.

Louis sighed,"Okay. Fine. But just for two or three days MAX! And then I'm taking you back and you'll tell them you sneaked in my apartment while I was away for the weekend, got it?"

Harry smiled and nodded,"Thanks mate." 

He walked to Louis and hugged him tightly. 

"Harry you're an idiot.", Louis hugged Harry back and shook his head.

Later that evening

Niall laid in his bed and looked at the clock on the wall. He saw it was almost ten pm and Harry was still nowhere to be seen. He thought about where he could be, he assumed he was just in the back garden or something. Suddenly the door opened and a doctor came in.

"Mr.Horan, do you know where mr.Styles could be? We searched everywhere and he is nowhere to be found.", the doctor said.

Niall scrunched his eyebrows in confusion,"He's outside, he told me he will go for a walk around the building." 

"No, mr.Horan, he's not around the building or in it. He ran away. Since you're the closest to him, do you know where he could have gone?", he said in a harsh tone.

Niall shook his head,"No, I'm sorry. I have no idea."

The doctor stayed for a few more minutes and talked with Niall about Harry, Niall didn't say much about Harry because he didn't want to say something Harry didn't want the doctors to know. When the doctor left a few minutes passed and the telephone in the room rang. Niall picked it up.

"Hello?" He asked.

"Niall, its Harry. Listen, I'm fine. I just went away for a few days. I'm with Louis, don't tell anyone anything. They will probably search through my things so I need you to do one thing okay?" Harry said.

"What? Harry you need to come back. You're in big trouble." Niall whispered.

"I know I am, just please can you do one favor for me?" Harry asked.

Niall sighed,"Yes, what is it?" 

"Go to my suitcase, open it and in the bottom of it there is a box. Take the box and hide it somewhere in your things or something." Harry said quietly, not wanting whoever is in the house with him to know. 

Niall took the phone with him and he crouched next to Harry's suitcase as he put the phone in between his cheek and shoulder. He opened Harry's suitcase and searched for the box.

"Did you find it?" Harry asked.

"Wait, not yet. What's in it anyways?" Niall whispered and laughed quietly.

"It doesn't matter, just hide it." Harry said.

Niall found the box under a bunch of Harry's clothes. 

"I found it, now what? Where do I hide it?!" Niall asked while shaking the box a bit.

"Somewhere where no one will look. In your stuff or something.", Harry said quietly,"And hurry up, someone can come in the room."

Niall laughed,"Relax, I locked the door."

He opened the box slightly and his eyes widened as he gasped,"What the hell?! Harry! Why do you have drugs in your bag?!" 

Harry sighed,"SHHH Niall shut up and just hide it!"

"Hide it?! This is illegal!" Niall said angrily.

"Exactly! That's why you'll hide it!", Harry replied in a harsh tone.

"This is not fucking healthy, are you out of your mind?!", Niall asked, still just as angry.

"Niall please just hide it!", Harry pleaded.

Suddenly there was a knock on Niall's door.

Niall sighed,"Okay I'll hide it. Someone is at the door, I have to go now, but you owe me big time." He said and hung up the phone fastly. 

He shoved the box under his pillow and walked to the door. He opened it and it was a nurse.

"Here is your medication Niall." She smiled politely and handed Niall a pill and a glass of water. 

Niall smiled back and put the pill in his mouth, under his tongue and drank some water. When the nurse left he went back inside and spat the pill out into the toilet. He locked the door again and sighed. He looked at Harry's bed and thought about how both him and Harry were doing something extremely damaging to their health, they both knew how bad it was, but they didn't stop. Niall took the box and shoved it under his bed, in the furthest corner against the wall so there was no way for someone to see it unless they look under the bed. 

He took his diary again.

"Dear diary,  
It's me again. For the second time today, but I just have to write something to get the thoughts out of my head. So turns out Harry ran away and he is with Louis. It also turns out that Harry is a junkie who hides drugs in his suitcase. He is also very scared of someone finding them, I don't think he's scared because of the fact he will get in trouble, but more of the fact that they will take the drugs away from him. Just like I'm afraid I'll have to eat, not the fact I'll get in trouble. Anyways, tomorrow is a new day, I hope it will be better than today.   
Good night, love Niall xx" 

Niall closed his diary and tucked it under his pillow. He laid down and closed his eyes. Soon sleep caught him and he drifted off into dream land, thinking of the times he was happy and thinking of Harry. Like he does every night.

On the other side of the town, Harry laid down on Louis couch and looked at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and hoped that when he dreamt he dreamt of Niall. He also hoped Niall dreamt the same thing. Little did he know. Niall did just that.


	4. 4

The following days were bland to Niall. He didn't really do much. He stayed in his room and sometimes went outside to get some fresh air when it got too hot in his room. He realized that without Harry, his life was pretty boring. After three days Harry came back. Immediately when he got back, the doctors gave him a serious talk about how it's bad to run away and how he shouldn't do that. Harry just nodded and pretended like he listened to them. They took him to his room and then left after telling Niall to keep an eye on him. As soon as they left Niall got up and hugged Harry tightly. This time Harry hugged him back. His big arms practically wrapped around Niall's body.

"You were right, they did search through your things," Niall whispered.

"Yeah I assumed they would, thanks for helping me out.", Harry replied and smiled as he broke the hug.

"Oh no problem, anytime" Niall smiled back and sat on his bed.

"So...Can I have it back now?", Harry added and laughed.

Niall shook his head no,"Nope, I threw it away." He said and gave Harry a cute smile.

Harry stood there for a moment, quiet,"You what?!", he suddenly asked as he looked at Niall with a shocked expression.

"I threw it away.", Niall replied in a cool tone.

"What the hell Niall?! Why did you do that!?", Harry yelled out suddenly changing the tone of his voice and the look in his eye. He looked genuinely scary, it was like all of a sudden he became a different person. Not the chill, relaxed Harry.

"Because it's not good for you.", Niall said.

Harry clenched his fist and looked at Niall angrily. He groaned and sat on his bed. He crossed his arms and looked at Niall who still had that same smile.

"No matter how much you may hate me right now, I am still happy that I did it.", Niall said calmly,"You are my best friend, I don't want you dead."

Harry rolled his eyes, "Yeah well, you aren't my best friend. I barely even know you. You're practically no one to me." He said harshly, laid on his bed and turned his back to Niall.

Niall stopped smiling and looked at Harry sadly,"Why are you like this? I just care for you."

"You care for me because you have a crush on me. I'm not interested in you, leave me alone.",Harry added, pretending as if he didn't feel the same way.

Niall stayed silent for a bit as he felt his heart sink,"Don't be so mean to me, I'm only trying to help you."

Harry then got out of the bed and walked to Niall. He grabbed his arm and squeezed it harshly. He looked him straight in his eyes and said,"You better shut up now. I am fully capable of killing you so don't fucking test me!"

As Harry said that he squeezed Niall's fragile arm harder probably leaving a bruise on it. Niall whined in pain and looked at Harry with fear in his eyes. His heart beat faster and he started crying.

"Let me go! Let my arm go!" Niall cried out as he pulled his arm away from Harry's firm grasp.

He covered his face with his hands and cried harder. Harry breathed heavily and he looked at Niall again. He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them, his expression became softer and more like him again. It's like he blacked out and did all of this unconscious.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Niall.", he said and sat next to Niall who was moving further away from Harry,"I didn't mean to react this way."

Harry tried placing his hand on Niall's body, but Niall moved away fastly and cried harder.

"Get away from me! Don't touch me!", Niall yelled out, then he got up and ran out of the room.

Harry sighed and looked down. He knew he hurt Niall and that he shouldn't have done that, but he still couldn't have stopped himself because he had no control of what he was doing or of what he was saying.

Thirty minutes or so passed and Niall was still not coming back. Harry sat on his bed looking at the door, hoping the cute, happy Niall would come inside any moment now. But, when the door opened, it was Harry's psychiatrist. She looked at Harry and motioned for him to come with her. He did, and she took him to her office. Niall was sitting in one of the chairs and he got a terrified look in his eyes when Harry walked into the room. Harry sat down and looked at him with an apologetic face.

"Harry. What happened between you and Niall earlier?", she asked calmly.

"I yelled at Niall.", Harry said quietly.

"And what else?", she asked again.

"And I grabbed his arm.", Harry added,"And I threatened to kill him."

"And why did you do that?", she said while looking at Niall.

Harry sighed,"Because he did something I didn't want him to."

"And what was that, Harry?", she asked.

Harry looked at Niall who was looking back at him,"Because he threw away the drugs I told him to hide from you."

She nodded and looked at Niall now," Niall did you want to do that to Harry?"

Niall stayed silent for a moment before finally speaking very quietly,"Yes, because it was bad for him, but I didn't do it because of that. But rather because you found it and told me to throw it away before someone else finds it because that way Harry could get in even bigger trouble."

Harry looked at Niall again and then at his doctor.

"He was just trying to protect you Harry, and you attacked him without even letting him explain the real reason why.", she said while sighing,"Apologize."

"Niall I'm sorry I did that to you. I was really frustrated about it so I couldn't control what I was doing.", Harry said.

Niall didn't say anything, he just stayed silent.

"He doesn't have to forgive you.", the doctor said.

Harry just nodded and looked away from Niall.

"Now go to your room, we will have another talk tomorrow." She said and gave them both a warm smile.

They went to their room in silence and when they got inside, Niall simply just went to his bed, laid down and turned his back to Harry. Harry kept looking at Niall and thinking about what he did. He knew apart hurting Niall physically, he also hurt his feelings. He closed his eyes in guilt and sighed. He covered his face with his hands and just stayed like that. After a few minutes, he looked at Niall who still had his back turned. Harry sighed and took the phone from a table and walked into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him, hoping Niall wouldn't hear him and sat on the floor by the door. He dialed Louis phone number and pressed call.

"Hello?", Louis asked.

"Lou it's me. Harry.", Harry said.

"Hey mate, why are you calling me? Didn't I drop you off there like this afternoon.", Louis laughed.

"Yeah, but I need someone to talk to and at the moment I feel like everyone hates me", Harry added.

Louis laughed a bit,"Okay, chill. No one hates you. What happened?"

"Apart from me running away and then getting a talk because of it, Niall also threw away my secret stash....which may or may not caused me to go crazy on him, insult him and hurt him.", Harry sighed.

Louis yelled angrily,"I knew it! I fucking knew you were doing those things again! NOT only that, BUT you also hurt the only friend you have in there! Are you fucking crazy?! Don't answer that question because you clearly are!"

"Don't yell at me, okay? I called you because I assumed you would be the one person who wouldn't yell at me.", Harry said.

"No, you called me because I'm the ONLY person you have to call because you fucked up all of the relationships with other people! I'm the only one who stuck around!", Louis yelled angrily.

"Louis please, I feel really bad because I hurt Niall. Can you just talk to me like my best friend, not like my parent or something.", Harry pleaded.

"Again. I'm repeating. I AM your best friend! That's why I'm bloody saying all of this! I already know what you're going to say about you hurting Niall! The same thing you said when you've beaten Liam up, that you "lost control", that you "blacked out" and that you were "angry"!!", Louis yelled again.

"Louis, the situation with Liam happened a while ago. You don't have to keep repeating that!!", Harry added.

"I'm not gonna stop repeating that! Because he was your best friend until you almost killed him!!! You hurt him for the same reason you hurt Niall! Because he cared for you, he was worried about you!", Louis practically screamed into the phone,"You are constantly doing this! Each day you're disappointing me more and more Harry! I can only wait for the day you will hurt me too!"

Harry started crying quietly,"Louis, stop it, please. Please stop. I wouldn't hurt you."

"That's what you said about Liam! And do you remember what you've done to him?! You are insane Harry! There is a reason why you're in a mental ward! I don't want to talk about this, don't call me about things like this again! I'm your best friend, but I'm sick and tired of constantly having to repeat this conversation with you! Goodnight, mate!", Louis said and hung up the phone.

Harry set the phone down and covered his face with his hands. And he started crying. He didn't cry in a while, he hated crying. It made him feel vulnerable and exposed. But now he was alone, Niall was sleeping in the other room and no one else could hear him. So he just let himself cry. He scratched at his arm hoping to get at least some sort of pain. He breathed heavily and run his fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and whenever he did images and voices would appear. He felt like he was drowning; like he didn't have any air. Harry closed his eyes tighter and hit his head with his hand, hoping to get the voices and images out of his head. It didn't help, they only got louder. Which made him cry harder. He hit his head repeatedly and he covered his mouth with one hand, trying not to wake Niall up. He stayed in there for maybe another half an hour or so and then got up, washed his face and walked out. He put the phone back in its place and laid down on his bed. He turned his head and saw Niall was now sleeping soundly on his side, facing Harry. Harry sighed and looked at Niall.

"Niall?", he said quietly.

Niall opened his eyes slowly and looked back at Harry.

"What?", he asked, with his regular calm voice, like nothing happened.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier and hurting your feelings. I feel really bad for what I've done.",Harry said.

Niall sighed and looked back into Harry's eyes,"It's okay I guess, I noticed that you can get pretty harsh when you're angry."

Harry smiled a bit,"So, you'll forgive me?"

"I will forgive you because I know that you can't control how you'll react, but even though you did it unconsciously doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it.", Niall said quietly.

Harry nodded and looked away.

Niall looked away as well for a moment and then looked at Harry again.

"Who did you call earlier?", Niall asked.

"Oh, just Louis....to tell him I settled back in.", Harry replied.

"Then why were you crying?", Niall said as Harry turned his head and looked at him.

Harry sighed and shook his head,"I wasn't crying.", he laughed a bit.

Niall laughed lowly," Yes, you were. In fact, you were sobbing.", he added,"I don't really think of you any less 'manly' or however you want to put it, I mean I cry about the smallest things."

"I.did.not.cry.", Harry replied angrily.

Niall rolled his eyes,"Okay, whatever, I was just asking..."

Harry just looked away again and turned towards the wall.

He laid there in silence for a bit until Niall decided again to break it.

"Who is Liam?", Niall asked,"Was he your boyfriend? I mean I heard you...get upset...when Louis mentioned him."

Harry laughed again,"He wasn't my boyfriend, he is my best friend.", he said.

"Well...used to be my best friend.", Harry added while lowering his voice.

"Oh", Niall exclaimed,"What happened? Why are you not friends anymore?"

Harry sighed,"I really don't want to talk about him...it upsets me a lot."

"But why does it upset you? I just want to know. I won't tell anyone.", Niall said.

"Because I did the same thing to him that I did to you! Except I didn't threaten to kill him, I actually almost killed him! Okay? Did you have enough information?!", Harry angrily replied to Niall's questions. 

Niall just mouthed a small "Oh" and then laid there quiet for a while again.

Just as Harry was about to fall asleep, Niall asked again.

"Did you ever have a boyfriend?"

Harry opened one eye and slightly looked at Niall confused,"Yes, I had a boyfriend. Why did you ask me this all of a sudden?"

Niall shrugged his shoulders and looked back at Harry. He sat up on his bed and kept looking at Harry.

"I never had a boyfriend.", Niall said quietly.

Harry also sat on his bed and looked at Niall again.

"Really? You don't seem like the type of a person who never had a boyfriend?"

"What do you mean?", Niall laughed.

"I don't know, you're all pretty and cute so you seem like the boy all gays rush to.", Harry said.

"I'm not cute, I only have a pretty face...plus I'm kinda messed up.", Niall said as he blushed.

"So? I'm messed up too, but I've had a bunch of boyfriends."

"Yeah well, you're hot and you didn't spend all your life in a mental asylum.", Niall added.

"Who said you weren't hot?", Harry asked.

"I did.", Niall replied.

"Well, I didn't.", Harry said as he lifted his head up and looked right into Niall's eyes.

Niall smiled slightly and blushed. He turned his head away for a second and then looked back at Harry who was looking back at him. Then Harry got up and walked slowly towards Niall. 

"I'm going to do something I will regret, but you will not mention it tomorrow, or ever. Okay?", Harry said as he got in front of Niall.

Niall just gulped and looked up at him as he nodded.

The time froze, or at least it felt like that. Niall could hear his heart beat as well as Harry's. Harry placed his hand on Niall's chin and leaned down. He pressed his, a bit rough, lips against Niall's soft ones and gently caressed Niall's jaw with his thumb. Niall opened his eyes in shock, but then he closed them and enjoyed the brief moment of Harry's softness. Harry wasn't drunk tonight, so he knew this wasn't just a meaningless kiss. In this moment Harry was letting his emotions take a hold of him and do what his heart wanted, not what his, somewhat fucked up, brain wanted to. When he broke the kiss, he looked for Niall for a second who had parted lips and a loving glow in his eyes. He then in silence turned around and went back to his bed. He laid down and looked at Niall one last time before turning his back and closing his eyes as he let his calmness lull him to sleep...


End file.
